I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
