No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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