i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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