She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
