Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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