so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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