If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
