When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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