I feel great
I just peed on a car
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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