Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
