i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
