It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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