America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's always time for handjobs
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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