I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
