I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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