dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
