Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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