I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
