just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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