she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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