Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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