dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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