I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
