I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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