Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
