Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
