I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
