Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
