I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
