1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
