I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
