so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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