I hate all girls vehemently.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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