Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
