well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
