Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
