I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
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