people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
tell me about the eggs
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
