he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
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She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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