Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
