I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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