Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
