New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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