Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
