I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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