Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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