I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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