um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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