I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
