I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
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this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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