I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
