I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
