I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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