so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
