No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
